Tag Archives: Bipolar depression

Roll with it

This morning I managed to shave my legs. It’s the closest to achieving anything that I have reached in days. Because here am I, depressed again. I’m kind of waiting for my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) to say “I told … Continue reading

Posted in Bipolar, Depression, Mental health, Mood disorder, Rapid cycling, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Comments Off on Roll with it

Enough of us both

TW: suicidal thoughts and planning On Monday afternoon I sat in a glass-walled consulting room with my Consultant psychiatrist. Out in the waiting room I had felt so weary, sick to the back teeth of coming to this building over … Continue reading

Posted in Bipolar, Mental health services, Suicidal thought, Suicide | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

The woman in the crumbling mask

[TW: suicidal thoughts] As Christmas approached I was cautiously optimistic. I’d been doing so much better since starting lamotrigine, feeling like myself for the first time in who knows when. I saw no reason why that shouldn’t continue. Of course … Continue reading

Posted in Bipolar, Crisis care, Depression | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

The lonely life of the outlaw

***TRIGGER WARNING*** Suicidal thoughts/plans Please take care of yourself and don’t read on if you are feeling at all vulnerable In the six years I was a frontline probation worker I spoke with all kinds of people about all manner … Continue reading

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What have I done?

***MORE BIG TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR SUICIDE, INCLUDING METHODS*** Yesterday I forced myself to be more honest than I have ever been about my suicidality. I told the Home Treatment Team Consultant, the team Registrar and my partner Tom everything I … Continue reading

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An impossible ask

I’m going to start with a massive TRIGGER WARNING. This post contains numerous references to suicidal thoughts and descriptions of methods, as well as intrusive thoughts of self-harm. Please don’t read on if this could be damaging to you. After … Continue reading

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My mood’s been variable in recent weeks; rapid cycling, I guess, since over the past couple of days I have pinged from low to elated and back again. Thankfully the range of mood is narrow; every up and every down … Continue reading

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I was wrong

I’m not tremendously good at admitting when I’m wrong – indeed, my partner would be overwhelmed with amusement at the suggestion I do it at all. But I’m admitting it now: I was wrong, dead wrong, about being in recovery. … Continue reading

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I can’t even…

…blog Think. Hide my distress from the children. Remember doing things. Pick up the phone. Look forward to things. Go outside unless I really have to. Work. See how to go on from here.  

Posted in Mental health | Tagged , , , , | 27 Comments

If depression were a word cloud…

If depression were a word cloud, it would be made up of a few words, repeated again and again. Because depression shrinks your world, narrowing the focus of your life down to a few, miserable feelings. No matter how vibrant … Continue reading

Posted in Mental health | Tagged , , , , | 30 Comments